The clean joke thread

edited December 2004 in The CenterTao Lounge
Stepping back a bit, I did want to tell Carl how much I enjoyed his ?Guide to Taoist Parenting.? Whether it be brainwashing to some or perhaps a successful experiment to others, one need only listen to, or read as it were, two happy, healthy beings such as Luke and Kyle to know that it is rather just simply, the way to go. The only difficulty, as I see it, is that the basic requirement for Taoist parenting is a truly Taoist parent. This is a very rare breed (which is very strange because everyone is a Taoist whether they realize it or not) and it is the reason I felt the need to push for further exploration of the how and why some people recognize the way, and most cannot or do not. His wonderful words on the ?human predicament? are the perfect mini-guide for outright Taoists and ?un-knowing? Taoists alike (hey, Kyle, is the term I?m looking for perhaps inright Taoists? By the way, if you tell me that it?s actually inleft Taoists, I?m going to sock you in the jaw?). Anyhow, our natural capacity for thought has overtaken us and has caused us to over-think virtually everything. I loved that Carl?s dear mother is naturally delighted with the results of his Taoist Parenting, but is still vaguely cautious of the methodology. Surely, it couldn?t be that easy, but here we have Luke and Kyle as proof positive that it is. The beautiful simplicity of it all is baffling to the ?un-knowing? Taoist. And yet, Carl?s mother is herself a truly Taoist parent (hey, she puts up with Carl, don?t she? -please laugh here :lol: ). I?m sure she?s part of the reason he found his way and she heartily agrees with that old Taoist Polonius whom as we all know told his son, ?This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.? (I?m sorry, I know it?s corny old Taoist joke, but I couldn?t resist). Anyway, trust me, Grandma Abbott is Taoist.

Oh, yes, and now to fear. Why fear? Well, I would imagine that as life is supposedly a great mystery, the answer that it?s no mystery at all frightens us out of our wits. Even in China, long a hotbed for Taoist teaching, the Taoists were always revered, but at the same time also feared as sorcerers for their profound knowledge of the laws of nature and the universe. Professional Taoists (and I use the term ?professional? in the pejorative sense) throughout the ages have recognized fear as a can of worms that is easily opened and rather useful for fishing. The sage Zhiang Zi-ya maintained, however, that the best fish need not be caught, but will arrive on their own.


  • edited December 1969
    Needed: clean, old, bad jokes-
    Let's help Kyle in his quest for more and better 'between songs patter': groan inducing humor, along the lines of a bazooka joe bubble gum wrapper, at which he's the master of telling...(btw, loved the '2 shots' joke-actually hadnt heard that one before)

    Here's a few to start:

    A guy told me his dog has no nose. I asked him 'How does he smell?' The guy said 'Awful!'

    I asked this kid if his dog bites. He said no. I went to pet it and it bit me. Hey, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!? He said "This isn't my dog."

    A guy walks in a bar with a toad sitting on his head. The bartender says "Hey, what's with that?" and the toad says, "I don't know, I just woke up and there it was on my butt."

    A guy sees a snail on his front porch, and kicks it into his yard. Six months later, his doorbell rings. He opens it, and theres the snail, who says "What was that for?!"

    A guy walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of whiskey. he starts slugging them back one after the other, and the bartender says 'Whoa, slow down, buddy, what's the hurry?" The guy says "You'd be in a hurry too if you had what I have." The bartender says "What do you have?" The guy says "Fifty cents".

    The Tomato family is walking along, and baby Tomato is dragging behind. His mother tells him to hurry up, hurry up, and finally goes back to him, stomps him with her foot, and says "Catch up!"

    Now, if I can just learn 9 instruments, I can fill in for Kyle when he's sick...
  • edited December 1969
    Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
    Because they have no attachements.

    What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
    Make me one with everything.

    How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Tree falling in the forest.

    What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he's working with?
    He enters Nerdvana.

    A student goes to the Zen Master:
    "Master, what happens when you die?"
    Master: "I do not know."
    Student: "But you are a Zen Master!"
    Master "Yes, but I am not a dead Zen Master."
  • edited December 1969
    We stayed in a hotel room so small the mice were hunchbacked.

    Our hotel room was so small you had to go outside to change your mind.

    The town I'm from is so small it's only listed in the phone book every other day.
  • edited December 1969
    here is one for the season, albeit a bit late and is an aviation joke

    An FAA inspector came up to the north pole to give Santa his preChristmas ok to fly.

    They went around and did a preflight inspection on the sleigh, harness and cargo bay. All was in order. When it cam time for the check flight Santa got in the sleigh and then the inspecter got in carring a shot gun. Santa asked what the shot gun was for and the inspector said "you're going to lose one on take off"
  • edited December 1969
    Buddy -- LOL, the tree falling one!
  • edited December 1969
    My daughter made up this joke:

    What does a cat say when you give it a shot?

    (She's four, okay? :lol:)

    We've been telling that "make me one with everything" joke in my family since forever.

    A man who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot is unsanitary. (Only works if you say it out loud.) (Thanks, Dad.)
  • edited December 1969
    Here's a joke: I had coffee this morning with two lumps. . . My wife and her mother. Heeyyyyooooo!!!!! :lol:

    I went on holiday to forget everything. I opened my suitcase and found I had. Heyyoooo!!!! :lol:

    We went to a bar one day and we saw four beer presidents walk in and order drinks. The Corona president said, ?I?ll have the best beer in the world. A Corona.? The Budweiser guy said ?I?ll have the best beer in the world, a Budwiser. The Coors man said, ?I?ll have the only beer made from Rocky Mountain spring water, a Coors.? the Guinness man says, ?I?ll have a Coke.? The bartender is a bit surprised but gets them all their drinks. The other presidents ask him why he got a Coke and the president said, ?Well, I figured if you guys aren?t drinking beer, neither would I.? Heeyyyyoooo!!!! :lol:

    A priest was in line to be decided if he should be able to enter the Pearly Gates and ahead of him was a taxi driver. Saint Peter asked the driver, ?what?s your name and what was your occupation.? He said, ?Tom, Taxi Driver.? Saint Peter handed him a golden staff and silk robe and said, ?welcome to Heaven. Next!?The priest said, ?My name is Luther and I?m a priest.? Peter handed him a wooden staff and cotton robe. The priest said, ?well now wait a minute! How could that taxi driver get a golden staff and the works and I just get this?? Peter said, ?Up here we work by results! While you preached people slept. While he drove, people prayed.? Heyyyoooo!!!!! :lol:

    In my This Week in God magazine, they issued a poll. This is what is was: Do you think Moses led the Israelites through the desert for forty years because God was testing him, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the promised land when they got there, or because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions. I?m still scratching my head about that one. Heyyoooo!!!! :lol:

    In national statistics weekly, I read an article about Adam and Eve. Adam told God that he was lonely and needed a companion. God replied, ?ok, I?ll give you an intelligent, gracious and beautiful woman who will cook and clean for you and will never say a cross word. Adam said, ?Sounds great! But how much will it cost me?? God replied, ?an arm and a leg.? Adam said, ?That?s pretty steep. What can I get for a rib?? Heyyyooo!!!!! :lol:

    Most of those jokes are from the Prairie Home Companion band/group
  • edited December 1969
    Thanx Tao. You're a funny fellow and a good friend to post with. Sorry this thread caused so much trouble. I won't bother y'all as much in future. You've given me much to think about and build on. Hope some of what i've shared has made a little difference here. Peace
    See ya around-
    Robert (Buddy 1)
  • edited December 1969
    Two cows are standing in a field. First cow says to the second cow, "What do you think about this 'mad cow' disease?" Second cow says "Why should I care, i'm a helicopter."
  • edited December 1969
    A guy comes home from work, flops down in his recliner, turns on his tv, and tells his wife 'Get me a beer before it starts'. She glares at him but goes and gets him a beer. He finishes it and says 'Get me another beer. It's going to start pretty soon.' She goes and brings him another beer, then says 'You're nothing but a lazy, beer swilling pig and all you do is watch tv and...' and the guy sighs 'It's started...'
  • edited December 1969
    A friend of mine (that's right. I have friends! :shock: ) sent me this joke

    When I die, I want to die like my grandfather... who died peacefully in his sleep... Not screaming like all the passengers in the back seat of his car.
  • edited December 1969
    All my friends hate me, and I don't know anybody else...
  • edited December 1969
    Ole & Lena are vactioning at this posh resort in Duluth. Ole goes into the sauna where two foreign businessmen, a German & a Japanese, are sitting naked. Suddenly there's a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. Ole looked at him questioningly. "Thats my pager", said the German, "I had a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."Ole felt decidely low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paer sticking out from his his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. Ole turned around and said "Vell, by golly, vill ya look at dat, I'm getting a fax!"
  • edited December 1969
    not really a joke but a physics limerick

    there was a young lady named Blight,
    who traveled far faster than light,
    she set out one day,
    in a relative way,
    and returned the previous night.

    ok, a clean dirty joke:
    a white horse fell in a mud puddle ... nyck nyck nyck

    how can you tell the difference between a geek and a nerd,
    easy: one talks about Star Trek and the other talks about Star Wars. (guess which one I am)

    there was a hippy walking down the street with one sandal on. his friend asked him if he lost the other. the hippy said "no way man, I found one"
  • edited December 1969
    How is an elephant like a tomato?
    Neither one can ride a bicycle very well.
  • edited December 1969
    "I'll take charge here" said the criminal as he steps into the electric chair. Heyyooo!!

    oooohhhh! :shock:
  • edited December 1969
    'Why did the man eat his watch? Because it was time for dinner.'

    thank you thank you, I'll be playing here till friday...
  • edited December 1969
    A man's been going to the same psychiatrist for years. One day he comes in and says "Doc, I have some bad news: my insurance will no longer cover these visits." The Doctor says "I have some good news: You're cured!"
  • edited December 1969
    here is one I read on a 3D graphics forum, it was posted by a guy in England.

    A duck is walking along one day when he thinks "I could just go for some bread!"

    So he walks into a pub, goes to the bar and says "Got any bread mate?"

    The barman replies "Sorry, no. Beer, wine, crisps and peanuts. No bread."

    "oh, ok then" says the duck, and walks out.

    Next day, he comes in again, and asks the same thing. The barman replies "No, same as before, no bread." Again the duck leaves.

    But! The next day he's back again. This time the barman replies more heatedly "NO! BEER! CRISPS! PEANUTS! THAT'S IT!". The duck leaves empty bellied.

    But, undeterred, the duck returns. This time, the barman is really annoyed. "Listen, duck. If you come in 'ere one more time asking for bread, I'm going to nail your bill to this bar, got it?"

    "Got it." says the duck, and leaves.

    Next day, sure enough, he's back. He walks up to the bar and says "Excuse me mate, got any nails?"

    "Er, no." says the barman.

    "Right, have you got any bread?"
  • edited December 1969
    There's a fella named Will Wright (creator of Sim City) who explained his success with that joke.
  • edited December 1969
    whats yellow and goes up and down? a banana in an elevator.
  • edited December 1969
    A man and his wife had been debating about a new car for weeks. He'd have been happy with a beat up old pickup, but she wanted something sporty, flashy, faster. "Look", she said, "my birthday is coming up in a few days. I want something that goes from zero to 200 in less than 6 seconds. You'd better surprise me!"
    So he bought her a bathroom scale.
    Services are pending.
  • edited December 1969
    this is kinda Texan but here goes...

    why did the chicken cross the road ?

    to prove to the armadillo it can be done. :twisted: :roll:
  • edited December 1969
    not about a clean joke, but a very dirty one-'the aristocrats' is an interesting looking new film, which has dozens of comedians telling their versions of a vile disgusting and rather funny joke.-which i wont repeat here. I like this idea alot. I've always enjoyed reading or hearing reviews and indiviual takes on things, especially art, covers of songs, etc -and i'll listen to the same joke over and again to hear how it's told.
    To stop someone and say 'oh, i've heard that before' is akin to telling someone 'oh dont sing that, i've already heard somebody sing it once.'
    of course, most folks cant tell jokes (not looking at you Kyle...) but then most cant sing either-but it's the price we pay for the experience, and we need to appreciate the effort and the joy it brings those doing it.
  • edited December 1969
    this is from a recent 'pearls before swine' maybe the best comic strip goin'...

    A guy is putting something on his food.
    A friend sees him and says "Whats that stuff?"
    The first guy says 'I've been reading about the benefits of using thyme in your diet, and it's great. I love this stuff."
    "But arent you using an awful lot?" his friend asks.
    "Yeah, in fact I had to get this from the neighbors. I used up all I had, it's almost all I eat anymore.
    His friend says "You cant go on doing that! You're living on borrowed thyme!"
  • edited December 1969
    It's 1959. Bobby arrives at Peggy Sue's house ready for their date.
    Peggy Sues Mother lets him in and says, "What are you kids up to tonight?"
    "Oh, I dont know" Bobby says, 'probably go to a movie, get a milkshake afterwards..."
    "Why don't you screw?" peggy Sues Mothewr asks with a smile.
    "Excuse me!!!???" Bobby exclaims.
    "You know, screw. All the kids are doing it. Peggy Sue loves to do it. She says she'd screw all night long if she could."
    Bobby just stands there with his mouth open, as Peggy Sue comes downstairs. "Are you ready, Bobby?" she asks.
    "Uh-huh" he stammers.
    "Have a good time, kids" Mother says.
    5 minutes later, Peggy Sue storms back in the house, hair messed up, dress torn open.
    "It's called The TWIST, Mother! The TWIST!"
  • edited December 1969
    Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme & Arnold Schwarzeneggar are sitting around talking about making an action film based on the lives of great composers.
    "I'll be Beethoven" Stallone says.
    Van Damme says "I'll be Mozart."
    Arnold says "I'll be Bach."
  • edited December 1969
    Ever notice when you put the words 'the' and 'IRS' together it spells 'theirs'?
  • edited December 1969
    a guy at work sent this to me.

    This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las
    Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than
    there are casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday
    services will give casino chips rather than cash when the
    basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different
    casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the
    offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a
    nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the
    casinos of origin and cashed in.

    This is done by a chip monk.
  • edited December 1969
    ok, here is another one. background - I saw a frog at work and then the joke just came to me.

    What does a frog say when he is in water half way up to his butt ?

    knee deep knee deep
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